Everything is Beautiful and I am so Sad

Yogis - I have been so absent from you because I am so absent from everything. 

We are fully unpacked, unloaded and settled here in Cali, and I feel so empty. 

I haven’t been able to muster up the strength to make a post or ponder anything spiritual these days let alone verbalize what’s happening with me. 

Every few days, I come up for air, but then grief and depression hit me like a tidal wave — more powerful, sometimes, than my weak little Earth girl legs can handle. I scramble for God, but oftentimes come up empty-handed even though I am surrounded by wildly gorgeous natural beauty and a near perfect little family. As Mark Nepo says, everything is beautiful and I am so sad. 

I know all the adages, this too shall pass, what doesn’t kill me, ya-da, ya-da, ya-da and I want to give them all a big obnoxious eye roll right now. 

What HAS helped has been the kind eyes of humans, strangers or friends, a shared yoga practice, touching the ground, permission to be sad, staying away from my phone (hence my hiatus 😉), crying with a tree, calling my best friend and being 110% honest. 

My teacher Shauna once told me that everything I learn from this will be a gift to whomever I serve, and I know that’s true: that somehow because of this I’ll be better able to hold and love others in their painful moments. But for now I’m in this contraction, deeply focused on my breath, letting the tears come and go as I allow this birthing to have its way with me (with the help of a good therapist and many incredible friends ❤️).

The emptiness has shown me how much love has been cultivated through every conversation and hug and smile and tear that I’ve shared. God has appeared to me as the hundreds (thousands?!) of people I’ve loved and that is a gift that will always stay with me even when it’s hard. 

I love you, my people, and I am so, so grateful for those shared moments. Everything is beautiful and I am so sad.